The American Dream and the epidemic of loneliness

During an interview, when famous Russian filmmaker Andrei Tarkovsky was asked about what advice he would give to the younger generation, it was “they should learn to be alone and try to spend as much time as possible by themselves. I think one of the faults of young people today is that they try to come together around events that are noisy, almost aggressive at times. This desire to be together in order to not feel alone is an unfortunate symptom”. It was to embrace solitude, and to enjoy every moment one spends by himself. This is unequivocally true in the States, as by definition the American dream states that the individual should, if they strive for success, be able to have the opportunity to achieve whatever they put their mind into regardless of social status or circumstances of birth. There’s a flip-side to this though, as the warm comfort of solitude can easily turn into the smothering demon of loneliness, especially for us foreign students coming from a highly inclusive culture such as India.

Back home, after coming from college or office, we are always greeted with either a cup of chai/coffee, a hot meal or at the very least a warm smile and a concerned query about how our day went. We see familiar faces everywhere, and even if they aren’t overtly friendly, we know them to be our people. Society is our ultimate friend or foe, either making us feel like we belong or trying to dictate our “free” selves on how to act. It might be a heterogeneous society, but the emotion of it is homogeneous. We have our parents/ siblings to fall back on, and an almost endless number of friends with whom we can share life’s little joys and sadness. Notwithstanding the fact that there are certain trying times when one might feel lonely or depressed, there is normally an option to vent out the emotional baggage that one carries daily. We feel integrated into this grand amalgamation of thoughts, ideas and cultures.

Moving to the US, it is quite different, as the ideals and thought process of the individual is greater than society. One must learn to be fiercely independent and teach oneself to do everything- from cooking, to repairing appliances, and even thinking and feeling. There is an aura of friendliness that exists here, which might even seem welcoming, but over time you realize that it is mostly formal and superficial. This is not a fault, but a culture trait since here the power, right and capability of an individual is much greater than that of society. I have come to believe that the concept of a collective mindset such as “society” does not exist here, but a “community” in place of that. The subtle difference between those is that a community is made up of individuals, and is guided by the ideals and stigmas of each of them, which congregate together to form a cohesive ideal, whereas society at least in the Indian context follows more of a “herd mentality” approach- everybody homogeneously thinks and feels, and lays down a vague set of “rules” that one must more or less follow.

This idea of individualistic freedom might feel liberating- and rightfully is- but with it comes an effort to think and act for yourself and present yourself wholly in such a way that you are gregarious enough to contribute to a community. It might result in a polarizing cultural shift, and a need to work towards from scratch something that you might have taken for granted back home. This might not seem like a problem for extremely extroverted people- but from personal experience and interaction with quite a few highly social people I have postulated that there is the dilemma of having “too many acquaintances and not having any true friends” , not the fault of anyone but just because every one of us is dealing with these struggles on an individual level, and culture deems us to do so. We might occasionally become a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to grab onto during troubled times, but that does not undermine the fact that we are also fellow foreign students who are also going through this evidently for the first time in our lives, and we ourselves might be ill-equipped to provide such support. This leads to an Ouroboros-type paradox wherein one must deal with their own loneliness and helping others with theirs.

Of course, after all this dreary talk one must never forget that this situation can also be viewed with rose-tinted glasses. Interacting and being there for people who are going through similar situations and thoughts such as us is always the best solution for alleviating our loneliness to a degree. We could piggyback off the benefits of the community, finding our own and helping each other realize the individuals with themselves, immerse ourselves in each other’s emotional baggage and seek to understand together about the meaning of this strange land. But most importantly, we must learn to relish solitude, and enjoy our own selves. Get a hobby, go on solo trips, make a personal project- just doing something which helps us find, appreciate and have fun with who we are. There is definitely a necessity for people as homo sapiens are social beings, and especially thousands of miles away from home, but the only way to alleviate loneliness on an individual level is to learn to enjoy solitude.